Inspired by Newton’s Laws of Motion and Murphy’s Law … I bring you … Murphy’s of Parenting! As a scientist by training, I have, by careful observation and years of parental training, developed the following list:
- A child in motion will remain in motion (regardless of momentum-arresting attempts by parental figures).
- A just-cleaned item (toilet, floor, sink, etc.) will swiftly become soiled by toddler pee, spilled milk, vomit, or messy food explosion.
- A toddler’s vocal response to the volume of a parent’s voice will be amplified according to an equation governed by the toddler’s mood and other sibling background noise; the vocal response shall always be greater than the original parental vocal level.
- The sum of all toys strewn about an area of play is equal to the initial amount of toys times an unknown multiplier known generally as the “mess factor” which increases proportionally to the hours of the day.
- A child just dressed in day clothes before a meal will immediately cause a mess or spill to befall said clothing, and a child dressed in day clothes after a meal … will also immediately cause a mess or spill to befall said clothing.
- A new set of mittens to replace a lost one, a bigger set of snowpants to replace the impossibly small ones, a bigger pair of sandals, etc. bought at the 2/3 mark of a season will bring an immediate and permanent change of season.
Science has spoken, and it hath be true.