Things You Never Thought You’d Say Before Kids

Being a parent constantly surprises me, mostly in the department of things I say and do. I was full of parenting misconceptions, as I think most of us are. Oh man, if I had a quarter for every time I said, “I’ll never XYZ with my kids,” but now I do just that…. Well, let’s just say I wouldn’t be fretting about the cost of next year’s preschool.

Let’s talk about things you never thought you’d say to your children. There’s the usual phrases – “Hands out your mouth/ears/nose/butt” and “Inside voice, please” and “We don’t throw toys or clothes or food, thank you very much” etc etc. We parents find ourselves saying these lovelies quite regularly now, right?

And there’s those sentences that pop out of your mouth … you know, the ones that, heard in isolation, would either make for one heck of an awkward moment or raise the eyebrows of Social Services. Yikes. Let’s visit a recent list I compiled:


Yes, that’s the kind of torpedo I mean (see below).

“Don’t put a torpedo in your sister’s eye.”

“I’m pretty sure you didn’t get new legs from a store in a sack.”

“No, you don’t need to hug my lady parts.”

“Sure, I’ll look at how big your poop is.”

“No, you don’t need to feed your lady parts bath water – or anything, really.”

“I don’t think John Lennon was born in a toilet.”

“I guess you can have sprinkles on your bagel. I mean, just this once?”

“Your dad doesn’t watch Sleeping Beauty at work. You can be sure he never watches it without you, actually.”

“Don’t wipe your boogers on your sister’s bed!”

“Wow, that was a heck of a toot. Is there a hole in your pants now?!”

“How would frankfurters leave us toys? And why?”


Kind of ridiculous, eh? Did it make you laugh, too? (You can tell I have a toddler because a majority of our conversation centers around poop/pee/toilets.) What can you add to the list? I’d love a good laugh!


8 thoughts on “Things You Never Thought You’d Say Before Kids

  1. “Please stop wiping your nose on my face”.
    “You can have your veggies once you’ve had a bit of meat”.
    “Oh! LOOK at daddy’s big poop. Good job daddy!”. (I should probably mention this is during potty training, ha!)
    “No, we don’t put poop in our mouths!”

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Just this evening in our house…”don’t lock your sister in the dog crate!”
    A common saying around here…”don’t lick that! (Door, others, TV, etc)
    Since potty training started…”don’t put your hands there while you are going potty!”
    The list is never ending, I just try to forget most of them…lol

    Liked by 1 person

  3. OMG, I just read this again, and I’m laughing so hard my tears are flowing!!! Wish I had written some down myself…or maybe that’s one of the things we forget for a reason?!

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s