When I look into the mirror I see: gray hairs sprouting, a few age lines mimicking what I see on my mother, and freckles and age spots from the sun.
Yet mostly I see a child – still, at 33. I feel 18 for the most part – not a kid but just barely an adult. I see the calendar year of 2017 but it might as well still read 2002, the year I graduated from high school. These fifteen years (15!) have been a blur, though I’ve gone to college, worked, gotten married, traveled, and birthed two children of my own.
I can’t explain this dual age thing more than that I just feel like a kid still most of the time. I feel physically fit, generally, I don’t have old lady aches and pains, my parents are still the same parents I grew up with (although now both retired – what?!), and I’m more prone to being silly than stock-serious.
But I catch myself being more and more like a mom. (And of course there are those gray hairs.) I say things like, “Who’s the mom in this house? Who makes the rules?” and “Because I asked you to.” I’m pretty sure I just earned my mom card saying those things.
In other words, self, you’re not a kid anymore. You’re a mom. Full-fledged.
But I still feel like a kid. I’d be happy building stuff with my kids’ blocks for an hour or so. I’ll beg off laundry to watch Sofia the First with Toddler. A trip to Toys ‘R’ Us is as much for me as it is for them.
Feeling these dual ages is so hard to reconcile. Mostly it manifests in me sometimes feeling like I’m not qualified to be a parent (obviously I am, I know). After all, how can a kid be a parent? How can I discipline my kids if I’d rather be doing cartwheels in the living room?
Does anyone else sometimes feel like this?
Maybe one day I’ll grow up and feel my age (oh gosh – I probably don’t want that day to come!). Until then … bust out the Legos, kid: it’s go time!